All Saint's Day

Episcopalians don't pray for intercession, we go to the big man himself, but today I am giving thanks to everyone. I woke up this morning determined to hold my pee until I could buy a Digital Test and check. I snuck into my parents' kitchen and grabbed my car keys. I tried to palm all of the keys in one grab, so the jingle would not alert the dogs. I failed and barking ensued.

My cute daddy stumbled out of his bedroom and not so cutely asked, "what are you up to?"

I responded, "I am headed to the store, I need allergy medicine." My mom hears this and interjects that they have allergy medicine. I point out that I need a specific type of Claritin and start backing toward the front door, which is impossible to get to because the dogs are climbing all over me hoping for a car ride.

My mom asks me to hold-on while she gets her list. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. I decide to act nonchalant and let the dogs out to pee. Oh man, pee. I really have to pee. This REALLY sucks.

My mom starts in on the list. Evidently my parents have not been grocery shopping since August. My dad takes pity on me and says, "I'll go later," YAY. Then he changes his mind and says, "can you wait a minute? I'll come with you."

At this point I rationalize that if I pee right now, but drink nothing before I take the test that I won't ruin concentration. My fluid filled brain accepts this logic. I dart to the bathroom. Problem one averted.

Problem 2: Buying a pregnancy test while shopping at a hick-town grocery store with your dad and not getting caught.

After losing my dad I head to the pharmacy and buy the test and then bolt for the store bathroom.

Advice: Answer Home Pregnancy Tests are not user friendly if you don't feel like reading assembly instructions.

I figure out how to put the test together and use it, and wait, and wait, and someone else is in the bathroom waiting for my stall, and wait, and throw the test and the extra test strip in my purse. Wash my hands while peeking in my ... what? Oh my God thank you. I am pregnant and I am not going to see my husband for 24 hours and I want to tell someone right now, but I can't, and oh yeah, I left my dad in the produce aisle. I stall in the bathroom and throw out the used part of the test. I must pee on the second strip right now. But I cannot because I have to wait for the monitor screen to dry. I go and find my dad. Also I buy a small caramel macchiato. Mmmmm

I get home and take the test again. It's negative. So was the first one a false positive, or did the drink dilute my urine, or did the coffee kill my baby? I need medical advice and more things to pee on STAT.

So I call my best friend Bug. Bug tells me that I likely diluted my urine. She tells me to hold it for four hours and drink nothing else and then test again. I do this. I am still pregnant I am so elated. Now I have to wait for tomorrow to tell Mr. T.