Why Don't YOU Invite Her Over and See if That Helps Anything

One of the most often asked questions, when people learned that we were expecting twins, was who we had lined up to help us after the kids were born. If I was asked this individually, which usually I was, I'd point to my husband and say, "him."

Once the babies were born the number of times that I was asked this question increased exponentially. I think that every nurse or tech that entered the room asked me if my mother was coming to stay with me after we returned from the hospital. Each time this turned into an awkward conversation. The answer to this question is an unequivocal "no," for many reasons, not the least of which is that she would not be willing to do this. But there are many other reasons that are too personal to be on this blog.

Every time I told someone that we did not have any family help, and that my mother in particular would not be staying with us the questioner would stare at us with huge warning eyes and tell us how impossible the next weeks would be without outside assistance [stay tuned]. Then the questioner would attempt to convince me that I really did want my mother there, as if my prior answer were not the result of a well-rationed decision.

All of this questioning made me realize that there must be many women out there who for some reason will not have their mothers present for the birth of their children. Having a relationship with your mother that is complicated by distance, or abuse or addiction, or even worse, death is always hard. It is hard every day of your life. It is the hardest of all when you become a mother. I know that I am not alone in this experience. I wish that I could go back and tell all of the nurses, if a woman tells you that her mother won't be there, just say "I'm sorry." Because we are too and that's the only humane answer.