My Breasts are Like 18 Year-Old Boys, They Leak too Early and are Ready to go Too Soon

Breastfeeding has not gone well, to say the very least. So I have been exclusively pumping and feeding the boys expressed breast milk. There are several positives to this situation. Mike can help with feedings and does so every day. I can take them anywhere and not have to worry about finding an appropriate place to disrobe. It is much easier to feed them at the same time. And most importantly I can leave them with the nanny and they are accustomed to eating out of bottles.

Still I would love it if the more traditional method of providing them breast milk would work out. Mostly because I am sorry to miss this bonding experience but also because it takes a crap load of time to express milk and feed it to them in separate intervals. It feels like I am always pumping, which is almost true. It takes twenty minutes and this is roughly my schedule (5AM, 730AM, 11AM, 1PM, 4PM, 730PM, 10PM, 1AM). Rather than being upset with myself because breastfeeding has been a total failure, I decided to bundle all of my disappointment and sadness and direct it toward the evil third member of the feeding triangle: the breast pump, which I plan to beat some day with a bat or sell on Ebay.

Thus far it seemed that the one thing that I have going in my favor is that I produce a TON of milk. That has backfired on me too.

It turns out that I am an "over-producer" and like many over-producers I produce too much foremilk and not enough hindmilk.

• Short biology lesson, during every feeding/pumping session the breasts produce two kinds of milk: fore- and hind-. The initial milk produced is thin and full of milk sugar, or lactose, the later milk is fatty; sort of like skim milk and whole milk.

An over producer generally produces so much formilk that their baby has to consume a ton of milk to get enough fat and to feel full, which we had already seen signs of. After a period of time the excess sugar builds up in the baby's intestines and irritates them. As a result the baby will get horrible foamy green diarrhea...

So now I have to throw out the first 10% of the milk that I pump at each session.

Awesome.